


What We Do With The Conchords

by Theoretically_Thursday



Category: Flight of the Conchords - All Media Types, What We Do in the Shadows (2014)
Genre: Crossover
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-09
Updated: 2020-05-14
Packaged: 2020-08-13 11:47:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 2,187
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20173726
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Theoretically_Thursday/pseuds/Theoretically_Thursday
Summary: Vladislav invites a (very) distant relative and his friend over for dinner.AlternativelyJemaine and Bret go to an old, creepy house and hang out with some vampires.(Definitely inspired by an episode of the show.)





	1. Chapter 1

“Deacon, don’t even think about coming downstairs in that shirt! What did I say?” Viago scolded.

“You said it looks good on me?” Deacon winced.

“No, you showed it to me and I said ‘Deacon, this is a very formal dinner. Please do not wear that shirt’.” 

The younger vampire rolled his eyes and stomped down the hallway towards his room. 

“Vladislav, please tell me we have time to sweep up some of these cobwebs before our guests arrive.”

“I’m sure we will. And why are you so worried? It’s not like he’s your descendant!” The older vampire smiled a little. He would never admit it, but he was touched that his friend cared so deeply.

“I know, I know. I just want to make sure they have a good time! It’s not every day one of us gets to meet a blood relative.” 

“That wasn’t Deacon’s cousin on the doorstep last week?” 

Viago tilted his head in confusion.

“That little rat, remember?” Vladislav chuckled.

“Oh, hush.” The other vampire smacked his arm playfully.

As if on cue, Deacon appeared at the top of the stairs, wearing much more appropriate attire. “Better?” He raised his arms up and spun around.

“Much, thank you.” Viago nodded. “Alright, gentlemen. Let’s clean up and set the table before they get here!”

—————

“Are you sure this is the right place?” Bret bit his lip, looking up at the big, scary house.

“Yes, I’m sure.” Jemaine looked over at his friend. “This is the address he gave me.”

“Your uncle must be rich or something.” 

“Mm. Maybe.” Jemaine adjusted his jacket, looking back at the house. “Race you to the doorbell?” He smirked.

“Oh, you bet!” Bret said, taking off running down the driveway.

Jemaine easily could’ve caught up, but he decided to let Bret reach the door first. In all honesty, he was a little scared to ring the doorbell himself.

Bret waited for his friend to stand by his side before pushing the button next to the door. He started rocking on his heels as he waited for the door to open.


	2. Chapter 2

“That must be them! Deacon, sweetheart, would you get the door please?” Viago asked.

The younger vampire sighed. “Yeah, yeah.” He made his way to the front of the house. He stood there for a second, putting on the theatrics before opening the door with a smile. “Welcome!”

“Hi, I’m Jemaine. This is Bret.” The curly haired man next to him waved politely.

Deacon could definitely see the resemblance between this ‘Jemaine’ and his friend. “Come on in, you two.” The vampire stepped out of their way. “I’m Deacon. Vladislav and Viago are- well, should be in the dining room. I’ll go and get them. Make yourselves at home!” He closed the door, setting off to find his flatmates.

Jemaine and Bret looked around. The house was equally as scary- if not scarier- on the inside. 

“Something feels off.” The shorter man whispered.

“It’s fine, Bret. I promise. They just have... Unique taste.” Jemaine tried to comfort his friend, giving him a pat on his shoulder.

—————

“They’re here.” Deacon informed the older vampires, leaning against the doorframe. “What should I do with them?”

“Bring them here!” Viago instructed, smoothing out the table cloth for the millionth time.

“And remember, Deacon.” Vladislav warned, “No eating them!”

“I know, I know.” The shortest vampire huffed. “Seriously, how stupid do you think I am?” He mumbled to himself as he went to fetch the humans.


	3. Chapter 3

“This couch is pretty comfortable, actually.” Jemaine bounced gently on the cushion, demonstrating how springy it was. 

“I’m comfortable in this chair, thank you.” Bret gripped the armrests even tighter than he was before, clearly uncomfortable in the strange house.

“What’s wrong?” Jemaine adjusted his glasses, looking at Bret with a mildly worried expression.

“I told you, man. There’s something off about this place. I can’t put my finger on it, but... It feels like... Haunted or something.” The curly haired man sunk deeper into the chair, pressing himself into it as much as possible.

“You’re freaking yourself out, man. There’s nothing wrong! Maybe you should stop watching those ghost hunting shows before bed.”

Bret jumped as Deacon came around the corner. Jemaine rolled his eyes a bit before turning his full attention to his uncle’s roommate.

“Dinner should be ready soon. Follow me.” The vampire instructed.

The Conchords rose from their seats (well, Jemaine stood up. He had to forcefully remove Bret from the chair.) and followed Deacon to the dining room.

There was a record player in the corner, barely cranking out a tune. The table was set nicely, but there were only two plates and sets of utensils. The humans looked at each other, both finding this a bit strange. Jemaine almost said something when his thought was interrupted.

“Ah! My nephew! So wonderful to meet you!” Vladislav hugged Bret tightly.

Bret looked over at Jemaine, clearly uncomfortable.

“Um... He’s not- That’s... I’m your nephew.” Jemaine clarified. 

Vladislav detached himself from Bret and looked over at the other man. “Oh... Yeah, that makes more sense.”

Jemaine smiled awkwardly as Vladislav gave him a pat on the shoulder. This was going to be a long night...


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this one is kinda short! School is kicking my ass, but I promise I’ll be updating!

“So how are we related exactly?” Jemaine asked between bites of disappointingly cold food.

“Well, I’m your uncle on your father’s side. Great uncle, actually.” Vladislav explained (leaving out quite a few greats).

“How come I’ve never seen or heard anything about you?”

“Well, uhh...” The vampire thought for a moment. “I was disowned by the family- it’s a sore subject, rather not get into it- but I wanted to reach out to someone in the younger generation and... That was you!”

“Makes sense.” Jemaine nodded. “Well... Sorry about the family being jerks or whatever.”

“It’s quite alright.” Vladislav smiled. He knew he shouldn’t try to build too strong of a relationship with his nephew, but he almost couldn’t help himself.

“So how do you all know each other?” Bret asked.

The vampires exchanged nervous glances. What were they supposed to tell them?


	5. Chapter 5

The Very Real And True Story of How The Flatmates Met (as told by Vladislav):

Viago and Vladislav had known each other since high school-

“Just like me and Jemaine!”

“Bret, don’t interrupt him.”

“Sorry...”

Anyways... Viago and Vladislav had known each other since high school. They’d shared a couple of classes and immediately became friends. It wasn’t until they had decided to move in together that they met the third member of their group.

Deacon had met the others through a mutual friend by the name of Petyr (who totally didn’t live in the basement). They’d met at... The party of another mutual friend (who went unnamed because “it wasn’t important to the story”). 

The three became very close and Deacon was actually in need of a place to stay.

“And that’s the story.” Vladislav smiled.

It was a bit vague... But Bret and Jemaine decided it was best not to question anything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Friday the 13th!!!


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry I forgot about this fic until my friend reminded me about it...
> 
> That being said I'm dedicating this chapter to them. Love you, bro.

"Are you still enjoying your dinners?" Viago asked, smiling.

"Uhh yeah they're good." Bret nodded, glancing over at Jemaine. His expression was one of mild concern.

There was a knock on the front door. Everyone looked at each other, confused. They weren't expecting any other guests this evening, so who could it be? The older vampires looked over at Deacon, giving him the 'you go answer it' look. He sighed and got up from his seat at the table. He made his way to the door and peeked before sighing.

"Oh great." He opened the door. "What do you want, Nick?" 

"Nice to see you too, man." The younger vampire rolled his eyes and stepped into the house.

"Is Stu with you?" The shorter man looked around outside.

"Nope. He had something going on tonight. That's why I came over, actually. I'm bored as shit. What're you all up to?" 

"We're actually busy right now, too. We have guests."

"Virgins?" Nick asked, licking his lips.

"Yes, but we aren't allowed to eat them." Deacon huffed. "One of them is Vladislav's descendant and the other is his little friend."

"Damn... I mean it's cool that he has some family and shit, though. Can I meet-"

"Absolutely not! You'll end up ruining it." The older vampire tried to push the younger back towards the door, but he didn't budge. 

"Oh, fuck off, no I won't!"

"Yes you will. You ruin everything-"

"Deacon, who was at the- Oh! Hello, Nick!" Viago's voice interrupted Deacon's attempt to get rid of the youngest vampire.

"Hey, Viago. How are you?" 

"I'm doing quite well, and yourself?"

"Pretty good, pretty good. Mind if I hang with you guys for a while? Stu's busy right now and I was kind of lonely." 

"Sure! Come to the dining room. We found out that Vlad has some living relatives and we invited one over. He brought a cute little friend, too! Isn't that nice?" 

"Oh, that sounds wonderful." Nick stuck his tongue out at Deacon when Viago turned his back. Deacon took a deep breath to keep himself from punching Nick in the face.

This was going to be a long night...


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What would a WWDITS fic be without Deacon and Nick fighting?

"Bret, Jemaine, this is Nick. He's one of our friends."

The Conchords were slightly relieved when a normal-looking guy entered the room. "Hey, what's up?" Bret smiled and waved. Jemaine nodded.

Nick made himself comfortable in the seat Deacon had previously been sitting in. This made the shorter vampire a bit angry, but he decided it was best to drop it... For now. He wouldn't want to ruin Vladislav's night by beating the shit out of Nick or wrestling with him on the ceiling in front of their human guests. 

"So, what do you two do for work?" Nick asked.

"We're in a band." Jemaine replied, shrugging it off as if it was no big deal, but secretly hoping Nick would ask about it some more.

"That's cool."

"What about you, Nick?" Bret asked.

"I uh... I'm-"

"He doesn't have a job because he's a loser.' Deacon answered, leaning against the wall.

"Actually, Deacon, I just got a job working at the graveyard down the street." Nick turned around to face him. "What about you? Hm? Where do you work?"

"I work from home, Nick. I have my own business, actually. I knit." Deacon gritted his teeth.

"Oh really?"

"Yes."

"My grandma does that, too-"

Viago could sense the rising tension between the two and tried to say something, but it was too late. Deacon pushed Nick's chair over. Nick got up off the floor and shoved the older vampire. Deacon shoved him back, hissing at him. Nick hissed back.

"Ok, you two, knock it off... Seriously, not everything is a hissing contest." Vladislav glared at them.

"He started it-"

"Oh, shut up, Nick."

\----------

There were only a couple more arguments that night before Viago made Nick go home and told Deacon to go to his room (which he gladly did, and slammed the door for good measure... He'd be getting a stern talking to later). Vladislav enjoyed getting to know Jemaine and Bret. They even played some of the instruments around the house together. Overall, it was a lovely evening. Bret glanced at his phone to check the time.

"Aw man... It's getting really late... Actually, I think the sun is gonna come up soon. Wow! We've been here a long time."

"You two better run along home, then." Viago suggested.

"Yes, I agree." Vladislav nodded. "It was absolutely wonderful getting to know the two of you."

"Thanks for having us over." Jemaine smiled.

Vladislav sighed. He gave Jemaine a big hug before holding him at arm's length. He kept one hand on his shoulder and waved the other in his face. "You will not remember coming here this evening." He grabbed Bret and stood him next to Jemaine. "You will not remember anyone you met here tonight. You two will make it home safely and you'll never remember that any of this every happened."

And with that, they escorted them to the front door. They ducked around the corner to avoid the sunlight as the young men left the house, closing the door behind themselves.

"You didn't have to do that, Vlad." Viago placed a hand on his friend's shoulder.

"I know... I just don't want to risk anything, you know? Besides, I'm pretty sure they heard Nick and Deacon yelling about who's fangs were bigger and whatever else they were arguing about when we told them to argue somewhere else. And they definitely heard when Deacon pushed Nick down the stairs..."

"Well, who knows? Maybe you can meet them for the first time again someday." Viago smiled.

"Yes, maybe."


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I decided to add this little scene in as a bonus!

A FEW DAYS AFTER THE DINNER

Bret slammed the door behind himself, catching his breath.

“Bret, are you ok?” Jemaine turned down the volume on the television, concerned for his friend.

“Y-Yeah, I’m fine.” The curly haired man walked over to the couch and plopped down next to his roommate. "A big dog wearing some clothes bit me on the way home, though… I’m sure it’s fine."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!


End file.
